Pipe Dreams Chapter 1

Ammie

This is Ammie. AM-ME. Because I gottem in Amsterdam. Feel me?

More importantly though – this little guy got me through a hungover Amsterdam morning, a botched 3 day trip through Paris, a night in Spain and 10 days in Portugal. Portugal was the dope shit though cuz Morrocans are straight slanging that hash on corners like crack in the DTES!!! This one mahfucka asked me if I wanted some hash and I was like, “Yo sure dogg, how much?” I can’t remember the price but after I told him an 8 ball, dude just eyeballed it and broke a fucking chunk off of this brick he had over his knee. He didn’t even way that shit.  I was all salivating like a maaaaaahfuckah when I saw that shit – mostly cuz I hadn’t smoked any weed since Amsterdam really, a little in Paris but I was grateful.

Being that I’m a fuckin weed purist and won’t let tabacco anywhere NEAR my ghanja it was strange as fuck having to mix Cuban cigar tobbacco we copped in Spain with that shit but since I was smoking those cigars anyways, it all worked out. It was heavy, but nothing this IRON LUNG couldn’t handle. Shit yeah.

The last day of my trip was Canada Day. We kicked it at a Canadian bar in Albufeira opened by this Portugese Albertan who had moved home from Calgary, or maybe it was Edmonton – I think. Dtails are certainly fuzzy. Me and the crew got FUCKED UP. I still had some mushrooms left over from Amsterdam, all the Brits on vacation were buying Canadians drinks!! The next day – without a wink of fucking sleep, I show up at the airport to board my fucking coach ass seat on the plane with a bunch of screaming and kicking kids. WORST FLIGHT EVER. Hung the fuck over and kids kicking the GOTDANG seat. 36 hours later (flight got delayed from amsterdam to vancouver – more hung over fuckery!!!) and I get to Canadian customs and they go through my bag and they find Ammie, still only 2 weeks old. FUCK. Full of hasish resin and drunkenly stuffed in my dirty ass party clothes, Customs dude looks at the white boy that is me and knew what the fuck was up. I was scared as shit. I thought I was gonna do time for possession. But those racist ass muhfucking border pigs knew a white boy was getting fucked up so they let me go. They let me go. Good thing I didn’t have my terrorist ass beard back then. Then I would have been fucked. Proper fucked.

Many pipes have come and gone in my time, but please raise your glasses for motherfucking AMMIE, who has travelled between continents, almost sent me to prison and is still by my side to this very day. Cheers.

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